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What's the Word?
Mary McHenry, MSW
Words are very powerful. They are used to express our thoughts and feelings and can impact our behavior. Reading the words and phrases that Dr. Steele has identified in this edition will touch you all and will provide new meaning to the 3 R’s. They are words we may “recall” hearing. We may “relate” them to our own or other,s personal experiences. They may cause us to “re-evaluate” the use of our own words and how they may be interpreted by other's. Understanding the meaning behind words is complex. The transmitter of the message often has a different intent than the receiver hears. Helping children understand that words do not define them and that they have control over how they respond can be a powerful lesson. For example, consider a child who has been told, “You cannot do that.” That statement could be re-evaluated to mean, “I have been presented with a challenge that I can conquer." I recall talking to a child who had been told, “you cannot pass.” I wrote that statement down and added a question mark. When I presented it to the child as a question, he chose to answer with the words “yes, I can.” Together we worked on a plan to help him. He passed.
The expression, “I cannot put it into words” opens the door to exploring the expression of self through other means beyond the spoken word. I think of one scene in the movie Little Miss Sunshine, where Olive, the glue of the family, says it all through a quiet gesture of physical touch. Talking did not help her brother, but touch did. I also think of the many drawings that children have produced that conveyed their pain better than any discussion ever could. Having said that, remember words can make all the difference in the world as many teachers know very well. “You always said I could, and I did” are the words of numerous children who succeeded because of the encouragement of their teachers.
So consider the power of your words and remember what your Mom said, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
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2011 Assembly
This year’s Assembly is being held July 12-15 at the Macomb ISD training facility. Click here for more information about the Assembly. Our keynote presenter this year is Jeffrey Georgi. (For a brief bio click here http://jeffgeorgi.com/bio.html) His presentation for TLC will focus on the adolescent brain, substance abuse and dysregulated or compulsive eating disorders. We hope you can join us.
Trauma-Informed Care Practices with Children and Adolescents (TIPS)
Drs. Steele and Malchiodi have submitted their book (above title) to Routledge Publishing Company for a proposed November 2011 release. Both are pleased with their effort to condense the over seven million trauma-informed references posted on the Internet into practical strategies. They realize so much more could have been written, yet in discussions with professionals and organizations across the country there has been a great need to structure and frame the critically important research-supported concepts of trauma-informed care into specific practices and strategies. Peter Levine, Maggie Kline, Eliana Gil, Eric Green, Sandra Bloom, Gussie Klorer, Larry Brendtro, and our own Cae Kuban are a few of the contributors that present varied trauma-informed practices.
Virtual Centers of Excellence
TLC’s Director, Caelan Kuban, worked diligently and successfully with Virtual Centers of Excellence (VCE) in Michigan to produce a series of four, three-hour videotaped presentations for mental health practitioners that will become new online courses for TLC. All will provide CEs and cover a variety of areas not currently included in our online courses.
A Reminder
Several school districts and agencies have asked us to collaborate with them on training proposals and grants. We are always glad to help and can certainly lend credibility to grant proposals regarding children and trauma. Call us if you have questions, 877-306-5256.
TLC has Moved
TLC now has a new home just down the block from the wonderful Macomb Intermediate School District where we have held our annual Childhood Trauma Practitioner’s Assembly the past few years. Our new address is 42855 Garfield Road, Suite 111, Clinton Township, MI 48038. Our toll-free number remains the same at 877-306-5256.
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Words Do More Than Hurt
Dr. William Steele
What doesn’t make sense to me is how little attention is paid to the terrifying impact words can have on children during their developmental years. Words do more than hurt, and if heard frequently enough as is often the case with traumatized children, they do lead to troubling behavior, impoverished relationships, attachment issues, poor grades, delayed or impaired socialization, depression and a view of self that leaves children far more vulnerable to victimization. The minimization of the power of words to shape a child’s behavior and personality in itself is deeply wounding for children.
Do me a favor: I want you to read each of the following statements slowly. Pause after each one being mindful of the way it makes you feel, what is makes you think and what it makes you want to do. When finished with the list, sit quietly and pay attention to the accumulative effect.
- That’s stupid
- You can’t be serious
- That’s silly
- You can’t mean what you are saying
- You don’t know anything
- You better watch what you say
- That mouth of yours
- Be careful what you say
- If you say anymore, I’ll…
- If you tell anyone, I’ll…
- You said it; there is no taking it back
- You don’t know what you are talking about
- That’s ridiculous
- Don’t talk to me until you have something useful to say
- It’s better to be seen than heard
- What am I suppose to do?
- Talk is cheap
- Shut up, speak only when you’re spoken to
- You are embarrassing yourself talking like that
- You never make any sense
- If you had any respect you would know better than to talk like that
- I don’t want to know. I don’t want to hear anymore
- You never get it right
- Don’t ask me so many questions
- Don’t you dare say another word
- You sound just like…
- Quit whining
- If you were smart you wouldn’t open your mouth
- See me when you have something worthwhile to tell me
- I don’t care what you say, it doesn’t change a thing
Pause….. Take a moment……What is the overall impact of all these words on what you feel, what you think, what you feel like doing?
If this was your world……
- Would you really keep talking?
- Would you dare raise your hand in class?
- Would you find ways to be noticed?
- Would you really think you had value?
- Would you be angry but afraid to say anything?
- Would you try to find a way to hide your feelings of inadequacy?
- Would you trust the words of other adults?
- Would you wonder what’s wrong with you?
- Would you find it hard to listen?
- Would you feel safe?
Living in an environment where these kinds of words are heard over and over will do more than hurt a child. I know because I lived in such an environment. In those days I was called shy, a loner, a slow learner. In most classes, teachers didn’t bother with me because I didn’t bother them. I just sat quietly never raising my hand to answer or ask questions. Folks didn’t really know what to do or make of the kid who didn’t talk. In some ways that gave me some power but not enough to override the real sense of powerlessness, inadequacy and fear I felt everyday. In some ways I was frozen inside myself. Avoidance was a survival tactic I learned to use well.
When terrified of talking, it makes no sense to me to insist on talk therapy as a primary intervention with traumatized children. When words are the source of a traumatized child’s terror, his hurt, his worry, his view of self as flawed and of little value, attempting to use language to be helpful is not only reactivating but not to be trusted.
What makes sense is when we have made the effort to evaluate the impact verbal interactions have played in a traumatized child’s view of self and others, is to help him find other ways to express himself.
Erin Gruwell, educator, author and nonprofit founder of the Freedom Writers Foundation, was assigned to teach 150 high school students who were deemed “unteachable,” below average learners and “misfits.” Because of her boldness they all graduated high school, a feat in itself, and many went on to college. The outcome was so amazing Hollywood made a movie of their journey titled The Freedom Writers starring Hilary Swank in the role of Erin Gruwell.
They succeeded because Ms. Gruwell put traditional methods aside and focused specifically on giving them the opportunity to express their feelings, hurts and hopes through journaling. Journaling gave them a safe way to express what living was like for them. It encouraged them to become curious about one another. As they became more connected to each other, they experienced a different kind of empowerment. They started to learn.
Children thrive, they learn, they become valuable only in proportion to their ability to express themselves. Why is it then that we don’t find journaling and programs like Art Works (see Flash Point) and other expressive modalities as the daily learning experience? Why is it that such programs only exist with special funding or as programs, not available to all children? Why is it large institutions and government programs insist in cognitive behavioral approaches as the primary intervention?
I survived in my silent world for a few years by making no waves, going unnoticed. I got very good at that and lying to avoid conflict. It wasn’t until the fifth grade that one teacher discovered I made it as far as I did by “bluffing my way through” (her words). In reality I didn’t bother the teachers so they didn’t bother with me. The problem was I had not learned a great deal so when it came to do some work in the fifth grade that was based on previous learning I was discovered. But the focus of everyone’s response was on doing my homework not about getting to know me, so not much changed.
The only world I felt safe in was when playing baseball. I was fortunately naturally athletic so summers you would find me everyday all day playing ball on a gravel playground at the elementary school one block over. That probably would not happen in today’s world because of safety issues.
During the fall, I would play football whenever I could. In that world I would express my frustration and the anger buried under that fear. I could make connections with those who wanted me on their team because I was good. I gained respect by showing my athleticism. I remember playing Little League ball in the summer. It was near the end of the season when I was asked to pitch one of the final games because our pitcher was out sick. I had never pitched but knew I could. Fortunately, I learned to read so in my silent world I made friends through books. Bob Feller was a great pitcher who had a book out on pitching at the time. I have no memory of how I got a hold of his book, but several days before I was due to pitch I read that book and practiced his technique for throwing a curve ball. I struck out 16 batters with that curveball. In that world I could feel confident and safe even though I still said little.
What makes sense to me is that when we allow children the opportunities to express themselves without language, a new world opens. A new view of self and others emerges and at least in that world, children can begin to flourish and hopefully begin building strength to cope with and eventually conquer the fears that still exist outside that world.
What Makes Sense To You?
Do feel free to comment and/or contact TLC if you have any questions at [email protected].
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